Rick Charlie

Past – Present – Future

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The below is an excerpt from some writing I did when my daughter was in the hospital.  This was about 2 months after her transplant out of ICU and just re-learning how to walk, talk, control her limbs, and basically function.  I’ll tell you why I am posting this here later.

FULL MOON MUCH??? YOU got nothin!!! So I get to the hospital this evening 5:00, and J. is getting blood, and sleeping. So, i seek out the nurse to see more about how her day went. We were chatting in the hall and she had to run. I get back in the room and June is a mess (in the infinite wisdom of hospital land, they decided that J. needs to be in undies instead of a diaper because she needs to start using the toilet – yeah, a 12 year old that has not used a toilet in 2 months, and still can’t identify when she has to go!!! Brilliant!). So she went #1, 2, AND 3 and it was a disaster. Time to get a nurse.

Get out in the hall to get a nurse, get one. Receptionist tells me J. has a visitor at the main desk, S.C.B. {I am NOT typing that schizo’s name again!!!!!!}. Hmmmmm, sounds familiar, I think this is the guy who went Psychotic religious on the Caring Bridge site – Call the Ex. Get her on the phone, she thinks so too, but it was her mom that dealt with him and kicked him off that site. She gets her on the phone. OMG! It IS him!!! So, let me get this straight. I worked my ASS off to protect J. by changing my name, and making sure Y’all did not share stuff so it can’t get tracked back to HER, and A PSYCHOTIC WEST VIRGINIA TRUCKER THAT NO ONE KNOWS is let on to the Caring Bridge site, and NOW HE HAS SHOWN UP AT THE HOSPITAL WANTING TO SEE HER???????

SOOOO, talk with security, ex, blah, blah, blah. THEN, as that wrapped up, I go back in the room and the nurse takes me out in the hall. J.’s IV line is leaking, we HAVE to put in a new one STAT to finish the blood (you only have so much time to get that unit in before it’s no good). OY!!!!! So, I bring the bad news to J. (she JUST got that new one in late Saturday night). So, one of the nurses attempts (BTW, we counted the scars in her hand, she has had SEVEN IV lines in the last month – Umm TOLD YA not to take that PICC line out!!!!) So, of course she does not get it. Of course J. is screaming at this point. Ignoring the continual calls from my Ex (even though I had texted her what was going on), they get 2 nurses from another floor to try. Second one, nope, blew a gate. FINALLY the third one goes (and it is in the most awkward spot, on her thumb!). Okay, time to settle down.

Nope, gotta call from the ex on the hospital phone. Okay, gotta calm her down. Done. Next. Gotta get some fluids into J., she is short for the day. No, she does not want any. OY!!! Okay, some OJ, and some Cranberry go in. Whew, get about 15 min. Got settled. Time for another bed change, get that done. Blood is now done, get that taken care of. Time for meds….. So, y’all get the point. Absolutely INSANE NIGHT!!!!!! And I did not even TELL you about earlier in the day!!!!

Yes, S.C.B. –  Creepy, crazy dude. Police now know, Security does too. If you are coming to the hospital, you will have to call me now to get the password of the day. It does not matter if you are on the list, you still HAVE to have the password. WHEW!!! Oh look, it’s 10:00!

 

I’m exhausted just reading all that again.  That is probably one of the top 5 most craziest days in the hospital, heck, maybe even in my life!

 

So why I am I posting this again, here, now?  Because life is kind of crazy for me right now, and I’m trying to figure out how to deal with that.  So, I thought, maybe if I look back on some times when life was really crazy in the past, I might be able to glean some useful things from that – learn from the past type of thing.  Cuz that’s a helpful way to deal with things in the present, right?

 

Well, yes, and no.  The yes part is that you may be able to zoom out of that past situation and maybe see what you did that helped to relieve some of the stress (Yeah, self care).  SOOOO, I’m doing that by doing this – writing.  TA DA!  All that writing I did back then?  Yeah, it was a LOT stress relief, and part informing peeps of what was happening.

 

The No part is actually bigger – Things were different in the past.  I can’t take those experiences and compare them to now.  Not only is the situation totally different, but I have grown since then – Buddha belly and all!  Seriously (and I am working on the Buddha belly), your growth has come from dealing with those situations, and is now a part of you.  Change has occurred, and most of the time, you have personally changed.

This writing for example.  It’s different from back then.  If I just came on here and puked up all my crappy couple of days in an emotional vomitous (making up words again) diatribe, you would probably either A. Say, “awww, that sucks”, or B. “Suck it up buttercup!”  But that is not the purpose of this writing.  It’s about exploring the inner workings of life, and learning from that.

Now don’t get the idea that I am telling you to just live in the present and forget the past.  Fuck That! Your past is a rich history of the awesomeness that is you!!!  You can’t live there, but you certainly can learn from there.  Just ask the right questions.

  • What has strengthened you? – Find more of that
  • What has weakened you? – Stay away from that
  • What has inspired you? – Does it still?  Can you go to that?
  • What has brought you joy? – Most definitely find more of that
  • What has brought you peace? – go there
  • Where has there been love – NO, don’t text your ex!

So, the past can give us some clues to our present, we certainly can’t go back and live in that.  It is a balance we conquer again and again.  Don’t beat yourself up for NOT conquering it.  There’s good things ahead for all of you, I just know it!

Oh, and one last lesson for the day –

Help: you won’t get any if no one knows you need it.  And you are NEVER weaker for asking for it.  In reality, taking that weight off will make you stronger.

Peace

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2 thoughts on “Past – Present – Future

  1. Kim

    You are right that in our down times we forget to look back to see what helped us solve our past problems or what we have overcome. And what is in our plate today is nothing to be afraid of as we have overcome things much harder. Reaching out for help or just venting is not a sign of weakness but strength of control of our being.

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